Every year I think about what happened on October 16th,
2008. I get angry. I get upset. I get scared. I recall every detail. I feel
every emotion. I feel his hands around my neck. I feel the gun against my head.
I feel the fear in my body for my children in the next room. I feel it all like
I am right back in that living room going through it all over again. Every
single minute of those hours of torture.
This year is different. And I’ve been having a difficult
time putting it into words on why it’s different. Maybe because there has
always been this dread in my mind and heart that feels like this was his day of
power over me. It was a day where he took so much from me. It was the day I felt
my weakest. It was the day I could not protect myself. It was the day where I
had the least control ever in my entire life.
So why do I feel different this year? Maybe because enough
time has passed? Maybe because I am finally forgiving myself? Maybe because I
see how Amber and Hunter are growing into two of the greatest human beings I
have ever known? Maybe because I am finally living the life I have always known
I wanted and deserved?
Despite why it is different, I do know that I look back on October
16th, 2008 with gratitude.
Pretty odd word to use when remembering the most horrific
thing to ever happen to me. I get it. But this past year, more so than ever
before, my mind changed. The way I remember that day has changed.
Ten years ago, my world crashed. Completely crashed. The façade
I had let everyone believe was my life was now naked and center stage for everyone
to judge. I found myself broken and bloody holding a 20-month-old and an
8-month-old in my arms as every emotion ran through me while not knowing how I
would ever be able to feel like I wasn’t drowning. I felt embarrassed. I felt
alone.
It’s taken ten years to feel whole again. It’s taken ten
years to take back power over how I feel. It’s taken ten years to live the life
I truly want to live for me and my family. But I am almost now in a place of understanding
and peace. Not all the way there, but pretty damn close.
That’s why I am grateful. Truly and whole-heartedly
grateful.
This year I found my voice. In all aspects of my life but
mostly against the demon that consumed me. And that demon was my self-doubt and
my fear of what HAD happened. Most people are afraid of what WILL happen. Not
me. I feared what had happened. I left a part of myself open to all of those
feelings from ten years ago. I still allowed myself to be scared to stick up for myself against him. I still allowed myself to have anxiety over things that were out of my
control when dealing with him. That’s the realistic aftermath of domestic abuse
that people don’t know about because they can’t see it. Physical abuse you can
see. It is a glaring sign board of what happened. But bruises fade. Blood gets
cleaned up. Torn clothes get thrown out. The house gets put back together. The effects
from the emotional abuse is where everything was left up to me to fix. My
heart. My soul. My mind.
So, I’m fixing it. From now on I choose to embrace October
16th as MY DAY and not his day. I have so much joy and love in my
life. I would not have had that if I remained where I was. I have the ability
to help others in a way many can’t. I would not have had that if I did not endure
what I did.
October 16th is now my Independence Day. It is a
day I will celebrate being given the gift of freedom. That day made me
unstoppable. It made me stronger than I ever could have been. It gave me the
opportunity to start over and make a life I wanted to live – day in and day
out. And for that… I am grateful.
A message to anyone out there who is in any toxic relationship: You don't have to be. No matter what the circumstance. Take control of your life. You only live it once. Focus on what is good or could be good and forget what holds you back. Your reasons for why you should stay should not outweigh your desires to live the life you deserve to live.
If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship please reach out for help. No matter what you think it might cost. Because whatever it costs you is worth less than someone's life.
1-877-R-U-ABUSED
http://www.jbws.org/index.html
