These words have been abundant in my life this week.
Then again, my week was anything but ordinary but it
sincerely never is. I started my first long week back on the road, which was
great but solemn all in the same breath. I love being a road cop. I love lights
and sirens and being a real life superhero. I love first aid calls, and mundane
calls for service, and car stops, and arresting criminals. I emphatically love
my career choice. I never know what will happen and as scary as that can be, it
still motivates me to wake up every morning and hope I positively change as
many people’s lives as possible.
Until two weeks ago I worked Monday through Friday from 7am
to 3pm as a School Resource Officer in the town that employs me but am back on patrol because we are lacking enough officers to cover the road. But being a School Resource Officer is my
calling. There is no doubt. I could write a novel based on the amazing
experiences I have had with students. The implementation of the Junior Police
Academy would take up a full chapter on its own. Nothing says “Pay It Forward”
like seeing a teenager who has never allowed themselves to go outside their
comfort zone, push past it and dominate it. It is a selfish selflessness.
Usually the overwhelming feeling that comes with making a
difference in a child’s life comes at the culmination of something. DARE
graduation. The end of a class I teach. The graduation day for the junior
police academy. Tuesday... it hit me between the eyes. So much so that my
heartstrings were tugged so hard they pulled tears from my eyes while in
uniform in my patrol car while running radar. Cops aren’t supposed to cry in
uniform. But we are humans too, no?
Back to Tuesday morning. The ding went off on my tablet and
I saw a new email. I won’t get into specifics but it was the legal guardian of
a student I teach a special class to. The class is special because it is an
elective and, with the assistance of a brilliant parent, an amazing curriculum
evolved.
The email was in regards to the junior police academy
presentation I gave to recruit students for the summer. I was showing them the
opportunity and what they could be a part of in the classroom portion I taught
after a half day off site field trip. The guardian of this quiet and almost
unnoticed student discussed her personal history with me. Her mother died of
cancer when she was 9 years old and her father was not in her life because of
numerous reasons.
Here is an excerpt...
She “has not had
much motivation to do anything. She refers to herself as lazy, which is
disturbing to hear. After last week's trip to the Office of Emergency
Management, she came home with the Jr. Academy application and told me that she
wants to apply. I nearly fell over! Until now, she didn't want to do anything
at all! We often talk about getting involved in activities, but she always
dismisses it... She told me that she really wants to go to the academy, but
knows it will be very challenging for her. She also told me that she feels she
will regret doing this because outdoor activities are difficult, but will
regret it even more if she doesn't try... I wanted you to know all of this,
Officer Heather because YOU are making a huge positive impact on this wonderful
and talented girl. She now has something to work toward... She has had every
reason to give up, but I feel she is becoming stronger and more determined to
accomplish something positive. Thank you so very much for being a part of (her)
life. She needs strong positive role models like you. Thank you.“
Now do you see why I cried?
It was humbling to say the least. Here I
was teaching this young girl and honestly felt like she was never listening.
Like she was there but not there. She never participated and well I am a
complete type A personality so participation as a leader or teammate is all I
have ever known. But the whole entire time I was impacting her in a way I could
never fathom. She paid it forward to me.
I shared this with the teacher who so
graciously allows me to teach this elective in his classroom with his students
and he told me that this was huge. Bigger than I could imagine because of her
dynamic and her personal history.
Evolution. Relationships. Soul. Purpose.
Wednesday was my husband’s birthday. He
turned 26. I am 34 and I often joke about how he was in diapers when I was
starting my career but the honest truth is he is more of a man than people
twice his age. I was a single mom of two amazing children and he swooped in and
became our hero. He has helped show me what true love is. I am not a woman with
little life experience but he has taught me so much. There is an ease to us.
There is a comfort level that is indescribable. There is simplicity, thoughtfulness, patience, tenderness,
and passion. All things I never thought I would have.
My parents were the ultimate role models
for what a marriage should be. I joke that the only time they fought was
because I provoked it. Their number one commitment was our family. I watched
them struggle and stress. They both worked 3 or 4 jobs to make ends meet but I
was never without. Through the constant struggle and stress they never
disrespected each other and they protected our innocence with such vigilance. A
home cooked meal was on the table every night by 6pm. I had chores. I had
responsibilities. I had accountability. I had tradition. I had love. I had the
best examples.
I never thought I would find a man that
was half of what my father is. I was wrong. I found a man that is everything I
need and everything my children need. He is selfless and even at the age of 22
years old he knew how to show up in life. He proved to me that my high
expectations of what a relationship should be were attainable. And that it
should not come with stereotypes, guilt, burden, jealousy, and especially not
emotional or physical pain. He has made dreams come true and is my true best
friend. I would not have been able to love him the way I do if not for the
example my parents showed me.
Evolution. Relationships. Soul. Purpose.
Today, 1/16/15 marks the one-year
anniversary of one of the life-changing events I have been a witness to. My
friend Cali suffered a massive stroke. It was this time last year I was
pregnant with my third child and sleeping on a chair next to her hospital bed
wondering what the hell had happened. Why hadn’t I followed my gut that morning
as I was dropping my kids at school and we were ahead of schedule and I thought
hey let’s stop and see her? I didn’t stop. My husband and I dropped our older two off at school and
then went for breakfast and then went to our ultrasound. We were just finishing
lunch when my phone rang. It was the Chief of Police that hired me. His son and
Cali had known each other forever. Cali is from Massachusetts. The chances of
us meeting were slim yet she quickly became one of my best friends and I came to
find out that we had so many people in common. Just a few days before her
stroke she came to my home to help me with my daughter’s 7th birthday
party which was a sleepover party for 11 girls. (I did mention I am type A
right?)
Big Mike’s voice was different than I
had ever heard it. He is not a man of many words. So he blurted it out. Cali
had a stroke. She is in the emergency room at the hospital and we don’t know
much yet. I’m sorry what? That doesn’t happen to people in their 20’s. It just
doesn’t. But it did. She has
defied odds. It wasn’t very long after she had her stroke that she was walking
and talking and today she drove herself to a clinical trial she was accepted
into. She is the definition of so many things. Perseverance. Strength.
Unconditional love. Beauty. Determination. To mark her anniversary she did not
focus on herself. She focused on the people that have given her wind beneath
her wings, as her mom phrased it tonight. She sent us flowers to our home. Mine
were lilies and roses. My two favorites. So let’s add selfless to that list of
words that describe her. I also will add sister. Soul sister.
Evolution. Relationships. Soul. Purpose.
As a mother I constantly question
myself. Literally on an every day basis I ask myself three things...
1. Why didn’t I do this that way?
2. How many things did I do wrong today?
3. How bad did I screw up my kids today?
Motherhood is guilt. Don’t get me wrong.
It is the most fulfilling role I have, other than being a wife, but it is scary
as hell. I live in constant fear. I fear my oldest daughter becoming a
teenager. I fear my son turning into the parts of his father that leaves me
with nightmares. I fear my youngest daughter having too many people do too much
for her because she is the baby. I fear peer pressure. I fear bullying. I fear
not being able to protect my children from heartbreak. I fear letting go. I
fear trusting them. I fear trusting other people with them. I fear. And most
nights it immobilizes me. This fear of why have I been given this gift when in
a heartbeat it can be taken away? And then I breathe.
And then they breathe. And they smile.
And they laugh. And they say I love you and thank you and please. I see my
daughter turning 8 on Monday. I see my son respecting women. I see my youngest
being blessed with so much love. I see them overcoming peer pressure. I see
them standing up to bullying. I see them learning from heartbreak. I see them
balancing letting go with holding on. I see them giving trust to other people
while still being cautious enough to make me feel safe. I see myself move. I
see them.
Evolution. Relationships. Soul. Purpose.
